


Motel Kaibafornia

by Jelli_Sprout



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:22:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29806995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jelli_Sprout/pseuds/Jelli_Sprout
Summary: Kaiba bankrupted his company a couple years ago after a mental breakdown and is now the owner of a crappy motel in the middle of nowhere. The only tasks on his daily to-do list are day drink and bother the handyman. Joey, the handyman, is allowed to stay rent-free as long as he fixes things around the motel. His daily routine typically entails pretending to fix things and bothering the motel owner. The two rarely get along and spend more time arguing than running or fixing the motel but sometimes they find comfort in each other's company.This is fanfiction does not take anything seriously and is a crackfic. It will be a collection of short scenes/stories that are ultimately snapshots of Kaiba's and Joey's comically dysfunctional relationship. More tags will be added as I'm hoping to include more characters from the series as 'guests' of the motel.Rated M for swearing and adult themes. Enemies to lovers except the lovers still hate each other.
Relationships: Jounouchi Katsuya | Joey Wheeler/Kaiba Seto
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	1. Why is it on the Roof?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for deciding to read this fic even after the trash title and description lol 
> 
> This story is basically just an excuse for me to write some brainless comedy in between writing more serious fanfictions. I tried to keep the characters' personalities as close to canon as possible. I hope you enjoy it!

“I don’t understand” A brunette in a patchy, navy bathrobe and slippers stated. His voice and face lacked any noticeable emotion. He held a mug containing a liquid that could be loosely classified as coffee and more accurately classified as vodka with a splash of caffeine.

“It is, in my professional opinion, a rather large dildo.” The blond next to him quipped as he set a ladder against the side of the building. A faded nametag adorned his stain-covered uniform. If one looked long enough they’d be able to decipher the letters O, E, and Y.

“Thank god for your expert analysis.” The other man rolled his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation.

“I was referring to the fact that it is situated on the roof of my hotel.” He continued as he observed the blond climbing the ladder to retrieve the aforementioned sizable instrument.

“Well Kaiba, first of all, this is a motel. Secondly, it appears someone may be telling you to go fuck yourself.” The blond rebutted before attempting to pull it off of the roof only to find that it had been super glued on.

“The sign clearly states ‘Luxury Lakeview Hotel’ not that you can read, Oey.” Kaiba sneered back, pouring more mysteriously clear liquid into his coffee.

“And my name tag clearly states Joey, not Oey.” The blond replied as he attempted to scrape the dildo off of the roof with a razor. Kaiba squinted his eyes as he tried to get a good look at the other man's name tag.

“It most certainly does not” Kaiba muttered under his breath before taking another sip from his mug.

“And this is most certainly not a Lakeview Hotel. The lake dried up before I even started working here! Which was over a year ago I might add, so why is it that you don’t know my name?” Joey said exasperated as he finally admitted defeat to the dildo and began to descend the ladder. Kaiba unabashedly stared at him the entire time while seemingly deep in thought.

“You just look more like an Oey.” He finally replied before shrugging his shoulders and holding out his mug to the other man. Hesitantly, Joey took it from him and took a sip, grimacing at the unholy concoction that was motel coffee and cheap vodka.

“Good to know. Talking to you has been a pleasure. Let me know if anything needs a fixin.” The blonde slapped Kaiba’s back before picking up his bag of work tools off of the ground.

“Wait! What about that… thing?” Kaiba stretched out his arm and pointed at the object glaring down at him.

“Shits glued. It’ll probably outlive your crappy motel. Put a paper bag on it.” Joey suggested as he walked into his own room at the motel and slammed the door.

“Unbelievable,” Kaiba spoke to himself as he gazed at the dildo on his roof “that bastard took my coffee.”


	2. You Can See The Veins From Here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any recommendations as to what to call these chapters, please help me out lol It's not something I'm particularly good at. 
> 
> Anyways, we are finally introduced to the first guests at the motel!

“Luxury Lakeview Hotel, Kaiba speaking, how can I help you?” Kaiba grumbled into the phone as he popped two Alka Seltzers into his cup. It had been a while since anyone had called the motel phone. Technically, whoever it was had to call twice because the first time they did Kaiba couldn't find the phone. After it had begun to ring a second time, he was able to dig it out from underneath a pile of old newspapers and Chinese take-out menus.

“Good afternoon, I was wondering if you had any rooms available?” A meek voice replied from the other end.

“Let me take a look,” Kaiba rolled his eyes as he paused and pretended to check their availability.

“It appears we have a room open, how long will you be staying?” The hungover brunette grabbed a pen off of the floor and began to record the information down on a stray napkin he had found. After they spoke, he hung up the phone and stepped outside.

“Joey!” He shouted out to a man who was currently mowing the yard in front of the motel. Joey shut off the motor and jogged over to Kaiba.

“What's up?” He asked, pulling the bottom of his worn t-shirt to his forehead to wipe off the sweat. Kaiba couldn’t help sneaking a peek at the blonde’s deliciously tanned abs.

“Someone’s checking into room 3, you fixed the TV right?" It took everything in Kaiba to make eye contact with Joey instead of staring at his broad shoulders and toned arms.

"It works." Joey replied, resting his hands on his hips, his blond hair was matted to his forehead. Kaiba merely nodded before returning to his office. He made sure to open the blinds of the window, just so he could 'monitor' Joey as he worked.

About an hour later a car pulled up to the motel. Kaiba rose from his seat and stepped outside to greet the guests and deliver them the key to the room.

"Welcome." Kaiba gave them a half-ass greeting. It was two men who both had spiky blond, black, and magenta hair. One was significantly shorter than the other and was the only one who smiled at him. They were wearing matching leather outfits as well as matching collars. Kaiba reminded himself that judging others was not a luxury he could afford as a motel owner. He then proceeded to judge them heavily.

"Thank you for letting us reserve a room on such short notice!" The smaller boy chirped as he took the key from Kaiba. The taller one frowned and began to judge Kaiba just as harshly for working in a bathrobe and slippers. He was just thankful the man was wearing a shirt and pajama pants as well. 

"It doesn't look like it was a hassle, this place is like a ghost town Yugi." The taller man eyed the motel suspiciously, his scanning eyes stopped when he noticed a rather odd decoration on the roof.

"Is that…'' Yugi's companion started speaking but stopped with a look of both disgust and intrigue on his face.

"It tells you which way the wind is going. It's a weather vane." Kaiba lied through clenched teeth, having forgotten about the rather large dildo on the roof.

"You can see the veins on it from here?" Joey's voice spoke up from behind Kaiba as he approached the group. He shielded his eyes from the sun with an open hand and attempted to decipher the veins he assumed Kaiba was talking about. The four stood in absolute silence as Kaiba debated whether or not he could afford to pay a new handyman if he fired Joey. He decided he couldn't.

"I'll show you to your rooms." Kaiba finally broke the silence and beckoned the pair to follow him. After he had made sure they were settled, he closed the door behind him and stomped over to Joey who was sitting on the grass next to the lawnmower.

"Why the fuck is that thing still on my roof?" Kaiba sneered through gritted teeth, squatting down so he could meet Joey's eyes.

"I told you to put a bag on it because it won't come off." Joey replied without care.

"I thought you were joking." Kaiba facepalmed as he plopped down in the grass next to the handyman.

"Don't you have work to do?" The brunette continued, annoyance lacing his every word.

"If you don't mind, I am thinking of suntanning for a bit." Joey smirked as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. Although oblivious to most things, the blond was observant enough to have noticed Kaiba lurking by the window in his office while he mowed the lawn. Kaiba's face turned a rosy pink as he observed the blond as he laid down in the grass, flexing his muscles as he crossed his arms behind his head and slightly thrust his hips upwards as he tried maneuvering into a comfortable position.

"Do whatever you want, you bum." Kaiba stood up and swiftly turned his back to the blond

"Says the guy in a bathrobe at 3 pm!" Joey shouted after him before grinning when he noticed Kaiba flipping him the finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Going to keep Yami and Yugi as recurring characters and hopefully include others as well!


	3. And That's A Problem For Them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel as though I may be having too much fun with this fic...

It had been an unusually successful day for Kaiba. He got two guests checked into a room and finally beat the level of a game he had been struggling with on his DS. Content with the way the day had been going, he decided to walk to the nearest convenience store for a cigar. Just as he exited the office, his thoughts were interrupted by his most recent guest.

"I'm really sorry, but I think there's something wrong with the TV in our room." The guest stood over half a foot shorter than him. Even his wildly spiked hair did little to increase his height in comparison to Kaiba.

"I'm sorry to hear that... Yogi?" The brunette tried to wrack his brain for the soft-spoken guest's name.

"... It's Yugi… I was wondering if you could take a look at it." Yugi tried his best to ignore the motel owner butchering his name and walked beside Kaiba to his room. Kaiba remembered Joey saying that the TV was fixed and figured it must be a simple issue.

"What's the matter with-" Kaiba stopped mid sentence as soon as he opened the door to their room and immediately heard a lewd moan rise from the TV.

"It appears that the TV at this wretched motel won't let us change the channel. It's stuck playing homosexual pornography." An angry voice barked from inside the room; it was Yugi's partner. Kaiba took a moment to confirm that the TV was indeed stuck on a gay porn channel before looking over at the two men who were travelling. Together. In matching leather outfits and collars.

"Is… is that an issue for you two?" Kaiba questioned honestly, receiving a look of disbelief from the taller and an unexpected blush from Yugi.

"I want a refund. We're leaving." Yugi's companion slammed the remote onto the nightstand. 

"Atem!" Yugi grabbed his arm, "It's okay, I'm sure they have someone to fix it!" 

'Unfortunately, we do' Kaiba thought to himself before walking two rooms down and banging on Joey's door. It flung open to reveal a very aggravated man.

"What is it now?" Joey grunted as he stepped outside his room.

"Don't give me attitude. You said the TV in room 3 was all set, it won't change channels!" Kaiba inched closer to the blond as he bitterly spat back. 

"I never said it was all set. I said it worked. So all they can watch is reruns of friends or the local news, boohoo." Joey rolled his eyes before shoving his hands in the pocket of his jeans, looking for his pack of cigarettes.

"Actually, their TV is stuck on a gay porn channel." Kaiba hissed back as he watched Joey flick his lighter and ignite his cigarette. 

"The TV in room 3? The one the two leather enthusiasts are staying in?" Joey raised an eyebrow; his words were exhaled from his mouth along with smoke. Kaiba nodded his head with wide eyes. "And they have a problem with that?" Joey continued as he scratched the back of his head. Kaiba snatched the cigarette away from Joey, ignoring the blond's protests, and took a drag. 

"Apparently!" Kaiba threw his arms in the air. 

"I'll just give them mine. Lord knows it's the only actually functional one in this goddamn motel." Joey sighed before strolling back into his room and unplugging the TV on his kitchen table. 

"So, what? You're okay with having a TV that only plays gay porn?" Seto tried not to shout as he ran a hand through his hair. It didn't exactly smooth it down, but rather messed it up more. Joey picked up the TV before stopping and carefully considering the brunette's words.

"Ya, I don't have a problem with that." He finally responded before pushing the brunette aside while carrying the TV to room 3.


	4. Is Black Coffee Okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to write a more wholesome chapter that still included their usual antics!

He could feel the warmth of the sun caress his face as his eyes fluttered open. Joey took a moment to stare at the rays of sunshine peeking through his blinds before the abrupt sound of crashing caused him to sit straight up in bed.

“What the fuck? I thought I locked my door?” Joey glared at the (unfortunately) familiar robe-clad man standing in his room.

"It's about time you woke up, and it was locked." Kaiba huffed as he continued pushing random items off Joey's counter. A normal person might have freaked out on Kaiba, but Joey was keenly aware that neither of them were exactly normal.

"Oh right, you probably have a copy of every key." Joey tried rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes as he watched the taller man begin to rummage around his cabinets.

"I did. Lost them ages ago." Kaiba replied before pulling a dusty coffee maker from one of the cabinets.

"Then how did you get in my room?" The blonde rose from his bed, his wild bed head hair seemed to flail with every move he made.

“The outer door's lock is broken, and I cut through the screen of the other one so I could reach in and unlock it. I figured it’d give you something to do today.” Kaiba replied nonchalantly as he placed the coffeemaker on the counter. Joey immediately snapped his head towards the door and confirmed that Kaiba did indeed cut a massive hole in the screen.

“Charming." The shorter man shook his head, completely unphased by Kaiba's actions. He watched the brunette pull coffee filters and a small bag of coffee from the pockets of his bathrobe. “Why are we making coffee in my room?” Joey asked as he pulled two mugs from the dishwasher.

“Mine broke. Feel free to add that to your list of things to do today.” Kaiba stated before sitting down on Joey’s bed. He picked up a magazine that he had knocked off of the counter and began to read it, completely overlooking the other’s presence.

“Don’t think I will…” Joey mumbled while searching his fridge for any unexpired creamer or milk with no luck. Once the coffee finished brewing Joey poured two cups and sat down on the bed next to Kaiba.

“Is black coffee okay?” Joey asked as he handed a cup to him.

“Black coffee is unacceptable.” The brunette scrunched his nose in disgust before pulling a small bottle from the inner pocket of his robe.

“So I guess it's a good thing I brought baileys.” Kaiba finished with a mischievous grin. A look of amusement appeared on Joey's face as Kaiba poured some cream liqueur into both of their cups.

As they drank coffee Joey stared at the other man with a fondness that he’d never admit to. There was no doubt that Kaiba was a single loose screw away from being completely unhinged, but then again, Joey knew that he wasn’t completely sane either. Kaiba could feel the blond staring at him as he skimmed through the magazine, but he chose to say nothing and instead took a sip of his coffee. Eventually, one of them would have to get up, and then they would both have to leave this fleeting moment behind them.

Tender and enjoyable moments did not often check themselves into Luxury Lakeview Hotel, so they both made sure to cherish them while they stayed.


	5. Are They... Channel 34?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented, left a kudos, and/or bookmarked this fanfiction. When I woke up this morning and saw all of the notifications I almost cried! I hope you enjoy this chapter as well, just Joey and Kaiba doing their usual bickering!

“Would you get up already!” Kaiba barked at Joey as he poured coffee into his mug. Ever since his coffee maker broke Kaiba has had to make a daily trip to Joey’s room every morning for his caffeine fix.

“Why don’t you buy a new coffee maker?” Joey groaned, trying to shut out Kaiba’s grating voice by placing a pillow over his head and ears.

“Why don’t you fix the screen on your door?” Kaiba ripped the pillow off of Joey’s head and huffed in frustration.

“If I did, how would you get in my room? Hm?” The blond sat up in bed and extended his arms over his head. In the back of his mind, he knew he could fix the screen and replace the lock on the outer door to keep Kaiba out. However, if he did that, it would interfere with his morning routine and he would have to actually set an alarm clock instead of waiting for the striking brunette to wake him up.

“Whatever.” Kaiba mumbled as he sat down at the foot of Joey’s bed and turned on the TV. The room was instantly filled with unholy smacking noises and moans. Kaiba gradually turned his head towards Joey with a look of being absolutely fed up.

“What the fuck.” The brunette’s eyes narrowed, he uttered it not so much as a question but rather a statement.

“What? I switched TVs with room 3, remember? It’s stuck on gay porn, channel 34.” Joey merely replied before rising from his bed and sluggishly walking over to seize a cup of coffee.

“Oh that’s right... Room 3 ... Do you think they’re… Y’know?” The word gay danced on the tip on his tongue as he tried to skirt around it awkwardly.

“Homosexual? Probably?” Joey answered, taking out a gallon of milk before giving it a smell and grimacing.

“Than again, you’re the one still watching gay porn.” The blond continued as he tossed the gallon into the trash and settled on drinking black coffee. He sat down next to the brunette at the end of his bed and took a sip.

“Well, it's not remarkably realistic. That guy let the plumber into his house without asking for the proper identification or his credentials.” Kaiba retorted, his hand gesturing vaguely towards the TV screen in disbelief.

“Is that what gets you hot and bothered? A handyman with credentials?” Joey asked jokingly, nudging Kaiba’s shoulder lightly with amusement.

“It explains why you don’t get me hot. Just bothered.” Kaiba replied snidely, recalling the blonde telling him he barely completed high school, nevermind going to a trade school or getting licensed.

“Wow. Rude. Just for that, you can sweep outside yourself.” Joey mocked being offended before standing up and retrieving a broom and dustpan from the corner of his room. He shoved them both in Kaiba’s face who reluctantly set his coffee down and took them.

“Are you serious?” The brunette stared dumbly at the broom in his hand before looking back at Jory.

“Completely. You got hammered outside of my room and wouldn’t let me go to bed last night. There’s cigarette butts everywhere. Better sweep them up before that Atem guy complains and ruins the wonderful reputation of this motel.” Joey responded sarcastically before opening the door to his room and holding it open for Kaiba. The taller man only rolled his eyes before getting up and stepping outside. Joey sat down on the cheap plastic chair outside of his room and watched the other man begin to sweep.

Joey wouldn’t admit it but seeing Kaiba do even a single ounce of manual labor brought him immense joy and satisfaction. Even while in his current predicament, Kaiba still thought of himself as high and mighty, his bathrobe might as well be a royal cape. An unlicensed and underqualified handyman might not do it for Kaiba, but an arrogant motel owning bum does it for Joey.

“This is your job. I can’t believe I have to sweep for you.” Kaiba lamented lamely as he swept an alarming amount of cigarette butts into a pile.

“Well, look at you doing the lord’s work.” Joey mumbled to himself at the brunette's dramatic attitude.

“Did you just say I’m doing a whore’s work?” Kaiba misheard him and stopped to cast a harsh glare towards the useless egg of a handyman he had. He jabbed the blonde’s legs with the broom to signal him to move them so could get to the cigarette butts underneath the chair.

“No, I said Lord’s, but now that you mention it…” Joey lifted his legs up with a smirk before continuing “only one of them can sweep me off my feet and it's not our holy father above.”

Kaiba gaped at Joey’s comment before tossing the broom to the ground, flipping him off, and going back inside to finish his coffee. Meanwhile, two rooms down Yugi and Atem sat in silence as they listened to the pair bickering outside. Atem put down the book he was attempting to read before looking over at his partner.

“Do you think they are… Channel 34?” Atem questioned Yugi with careful wording.

“Definitely.” Yugi answered before continuing to text on his phone.


	6. Why Are There Chickens Here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has commented, left a kudos, and bookmarked my story. I'm going to try to upload a chapter at least every other day!

“Joey, can you watch the chickens while I try to find something for them to eat?” Kaiba poked his head into Joey’s room. His voice pulled the blond out of his sleep and he groggily sat up.

“Yup, whatever.” Joey yawned as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and began to put on pants. As soon as he stood up, he realized what Kaiba had said. His eyes grew wide, and he bolted outside of his room. Sure enough, there were four chickens meandering around in front of the Motel, pecking at the ground.

“Do you think they’d eat Cheerios? That’s all I could find in my office.” The brunette asked as he walked towards Joey carrying a box of cereal.

“Why are there chickens here?” Joey extended his arm to gesture towards the chickens with a look of disbelief on his face.

“A gentleman was selling them outside of the 7-11.” Kaiba replied nonchalantly as he began throwing Cheerios towards the chickens. They quickly congregated in front of the motel owner and began to eat.

“But why did you buy them?” The blond asked as he rubbed his forehead with his hand. Kaiba liked to think that he was very responsible especially since he was the CEO of an entire company at one point. However, Joey knew with no doubt that he would be the one that would have to actually take care of them.

“I told him I was a motel owner, he said we could use the eggs for our hotel's complimentary breakfast.” He responded as he tipped the box over and dumped out the rest of the Cheerios.

“You mean the complimentary breakfast you discontinued when you took over the motel?” Joey sighed and squatted down in front of one of the chickens. Something about their weird scrawny feet and cold emotionless eyes made him uncomfortable.

“We’re going to have to get a coop and fence in an area for them.” He continued to speak as he thought about where he was going to get food and supplies.

“So go get whatever chickens eat and wood or something for the coop.” Kaiba shrugged before pulling a credit card out of his bathrobe pocket and handing it to Joey. The blond didn’t even want to think about the credit card debt Kaiba must have (and is ignoring).

“Fantastic.” He groaned in response realizing that his day wasn’t going to be as nearly relaxing as he hoped.

After having to stop by several stores to collect all the supplies he needed, Joey returned to the motel and began constructing the coop. It was a particularly hot day and the heat was slowly wearing down his motivation to do anything. He wiped the sweat from his forehead as he began sawing through a piece of plywood. He sent a quick look towards the window of Kaiba’s office and sure enough, he saw the brunette lingering by the window

“He should be out here doing this, it's his freaking chickens after all.” Joey grumbled as he continued working.

Meanwhile, Kaiba was finding it difficult to focus on the current level of his game. He would never admit that it was the blond who was distracting him, he told himself the heat must have gone to his head. He watched Joey’s shoulder muscles flex with every movement of the saw and could feel a blush run across his face. He was pulled out of his daze by the sound of rhythmic pecking at his office door.

The sun was going down as Joey made the finishing touches to the coop. Once it was entirely complete he went in search of Kaiba. He found the brunette sitting in his office with a Nintendo DS in his hand and a content chicken in his lap.

“What the hell are you doing?” Joey spoke as he dragged himself over to the worn-out couch across from Kaiba’s desk and plopped down.

“I’m playing my game with The Colonel.” Kaiba’s eyes never left the DS screen as he replied with a matter-of-fact tone.

“The Colonel?” Joey raised an eyebrow while fanning himself with an old Chinese take-out menu.

“That’s its name, y’know as in the colonel from KFC.” Kaiba finally set the Nintendo down on his desk and began to pet The Colonel who happily closed its eyes.

“That’s a cruel name,” the blonde shook his head before continuing “the coops done, I’m going to try to get those little fuckers in it.”

“Take The Colonel with you.” Kaiba held up the chicken for Joey to take from him. As soon as Joey stepped towards the chicken it began to angrily cluck and attempted to peck him.

“I’m not touching that freaking spawn of satan, you can put him in the coop yourself.” Joey held his hands up and backed away before heading towards the coop. A few moments later the brunette picked up The Colonel and stepped outside.

“Kaiba, get your fucking ass over here right now!” The blond shouted sharply, frustration lacing his words.

“How dare you talk to me like that!” Kaiba stomped over towards Joey, holding The Colonel under his arm.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Joey rolled his eyes “I named that one Kaiba because he’s a moody brat.” he pointed towards a chicken who seemed to stare menacingly back at Joey.

“Very funny.” Kaiba placed The Colonel into the coop and gave him several pats for good measure.

“He even has your angry beady eyes.” The blonde responded, ushering the tiny ball of feathers and rage into the coop as it attempted to peck him. He slammed the door of the coop and wiped his hands on his pants.

“Don’t you think it's weird that you get along better with a chicken than you do people?” Joey gave the brunette a playful nudge.

“Maybe I'd find it weird if the people I talked too were smarter than a chicken.” Kaiba jabbed the side of Joey’s stomach with his hand before going to return to his office for the night.


End file.
